8 posts tagged “love”

The last week has been agonising and distressing, all wrapped into one, which finally reached a climax this morning.

I mentioned last week that I had contacted my husband regarding my father's illness.  Although I had been in two minds about doing so, I decided to go ahead because he had always felt a real affection for my father and that just because there had been bad feeling between us, I wasn't going to withhold the information from him.  As I hadn't contacted him for over two months, the missive that I sent him was a stiff and somewhat terse explanation of the situation. 

Lo and behold, three days later I received a reply, and so our correspondence commenced.  As you may recall, in a moment of weakness when I found out about my dad's prognosis I blurted out my feelings, and had resigned myself never to hear from him again.

However, he proved me wrong, for this weekend I received an e-mail telling me he felt the same way about me, followed up by a phone call at the God-awful hour of 3.40am this morning.  After some introductory chit-chat, he confirmed the fact, and then stated that he wanted us to consider resuming our marriage.

For months, I've tortured myself with recriminations.  And now this. 

In some ways, my life has moved on without him.  I've got a new job, with the prospect of another in my future.  I've been accepted to do my Master's.  My dad is very ill, and regardless of anything else, he has to, and will continue to be, my first priority.  However, I know that my life has been happier since the old horse re-entered it.  The feelings I had for him are still there, despite what has happened in the past.

I don't know what to think or do.

I mentioned briefly in my last entry that my dad had recently been admitted to hospital with liver and kidney failure.  Today, we found out that he has cirrhosis, and his specialist has given him a prognosis of about 12 months.  I'm devastated.

I went to a job interview today that went well, so I may soon be a member of the full-time workforce again.

I also sent my husband an e-mail to let him know that regardless of what he did, and even though I know he doesn't feel the same way about me, that I love him.  I know this won't do anything, but given this brush with mortality I wanted to tell him before it was too late to do so, just in case anything should happen. 

Wisdom gained from today?  There's no point holding on to past grievances.

Loathing:

• Flat inspections, and the resultant chaos of spring-cleaning in wintertime
• My dad's admission to hospital last Monday for liver and kidney failure
• My cat suddenly coming down with an unexpected illness that has caused him to vomit twice in the last 12 hours
• Selfish people who think that they're entitled to the pick of the best jobs at my workplace
• Having to interpret the my husband's reply to the e-mail that I sent him last week upon notification of my dad's illness
• Paying to water the garden because the rain has finally stopped
  

Loving

• My spring-cleaned flat ... it's bee-yoo-tee-ful
• My dad's upcoming discharge from hospital with hope of no long-term disability as a result of his illness
• Going to sleep with both cats faithfully cuddled up against me
• Actually having a job, and an upcoming interview for a new job
• The fact that my husband cared enough to reply to my e-mail at all
• The rain has finally stopped for the first time in three weeks, which means we're enjoying some golden winter days
  

There are many ways of breaking a heart. Stories were full of hearts broken by love, but what really broke a heart was taking away its dream - whatever that dream might be.  Pearl S. Buck

Life is very confusing at the moment ... so much so, that last week, I didn't post "Things on Tuesday" at all, whilst this week I'm "Things on Tuesday" early.  C'est la vie

Loathing:

• The death of Yves St Laurent, the modern master of French couture, at the age of 71 after a long illness.  Although he had retired after a career that spanned over four decades in 2002, he is still acknolwedged to have done "more than any other designer since Chanel."  In fact, I heard it said tonight that whilst Chanel gave women freedom, YSL gave women power.  More information on Laurent, his career and his influence on 20th century women's fashion is available here
  
• The fact that I'm having difficulty getting on Vox of late.  I'm able to log in, but my server logs out before I'm able to write any entries or leave any comments on anyone's blogs, which makes me feel very lonely *lower lip hangs out*  Shucks ;-)
• Finding my way around town in my new job.  With petrol prices being what they are, I can't afford the extra 24 kilometres worth of driving for a job that was only 6 kilometres from home!

Loving:

• The bottle of Paris perfume that I bought in honour of YSL's death ... I could sit here and inhale it forever!
  
• Actually being able to post an entry here and say "Hello, fellow voxerettes" :-)
  
• Being accepted into graduate school to complete my Master's in Disability Studies ... *yay* for me!
• Receiving a certificate at work last week for doing a great job for a client who has cerebral palsy.

Ain't it good when the "loves" outweigh the "loathes?" :-)

Loathe:

• Telephones.  I hate talking on them ... they're so impersonal.  You can't get the feedback from a telephone that you can from a person - there's no body language.  I also hate the fact you don't know who is on the other end until you pick it up, at which point it can be too late.  You're stuck in a conversation you didn't want, and have to find some way to politely extricate yourself.  Very anti-social, I know ... but I can't help it.  Note to self:  think of a foolproof excuse to evade unwanted telephone conversations!
• I received a missive from my real estate agent this afternoon with dreadful news.  I am going to have my first "routine inspection" on 19 June.  Given that I'm living with two illegal aliens (otherwise known as Jem and Atticus ... according to the terms of the lease, pets are a big no-no), I have a month to make sure that I remove all evidence of their occupation by said date.  If not ... I shudder to think about what will happen about "if not" coming into the equation!
  

Love:

• It's almost winter now, and yet I'm still able to sit in my kitchen in short sleeves whilst the sun gilds my computer chair with light and warmth.  The cats also like sunbathing on the sink - not very hygenic, but I'm too indulgent to stop them ... and besides, what else was anti-bacterial spray invented for?
• I started solo on my new job today, and I think I'm really going to enjoy it.  I've never worked with older people before, but they have had such interesting and varied lives ... last week I met a woman whose grandmother emigrated from Germany to Russia to work at the court of Nicholas II and Alexandra; today I met a man who never married, and who has lived in the same home from his birth some eighty-odd years ago. 
• I saw a woman at the mall today when I went to the supermarket.  Even though she was in her seventies, she was clad in purple and wore her hair in three plaits - one on each side, and another down her back.  I hope I'm that brave when I get to her age.
• I sat this afternoon in the garden, and remembered the story that my dad told me when I was a kid ... that birds could hear telephone conversations through their feet when they sat on the telegraph wires.  Of course, I didn't know that by this point, the wires had been buried long underground, and even if they hadn't been ...

A head nuzzled into the hollow between neck and shoulder, tail furled around the throat like a scarf, feeling the vibration of an unceasing purr.  Forcing yourself to step back into your own world after reading a favourite tale of fictitious loves that spun on to their inevitable conclusion, leaving you bereft of your vicarious companions.  Steam rising from that first cup of coffee, delivered to the bedside table with the sunrise.  Faded, sepia-tinted wedding portraits, proudly displayed on walls where the once-fashionable paper has begun to peel, on varnished sideboards with slightly chipped scrollwork, on rickety wooden easels that have seen better days.  A voice that mellows from annoyance to affection.  Water soaking into the soil for thirsty roots to drink, delivered by a soil-streaked hand with dirt-encrusted nails.  A dog's head hanging out the window, tongue lolling as he smiles because the wind is tickling his whiskers.  The aroma of savoury home-cooked meals, clean laundry dancing on the line, Vanilla Fridge Wipe on the countertops.  Strains of Billie Holiday singing "... I'll be seeing you, in all the old familiar places that this heart of mine embraces ..."

Memories, old and new, lost and found.

I feel a fool, for seeking love in all the wrong places when all along, it was staring me right in the face.  I just didn't care to see it.

Things I Loathe:

• Waiting for the phone to ring.  I'm not all that sure about the new horse, but I'd still like him to gratify my ego with at least a text message.
• My landlord's inability to understand that a furry friend or two around the house is as necessary to me as breathing itself - in other words, my kitties are illegal immigrants!
• Dial-up internet ... so s-l-o-w ...
• The colour grape, which seems to be dominating the latest fashion lines.
• My hair - I need to book a haircut!
  

Things I Love:

• The aroma of the neighbour's clean washing on the line.
• The fact that I can walk out of the house, and it will be in exactly the same state as I left it upon my return.
• Snuggling up under my freshly washed quilt for eight hours of blissfully uninterrupted sleep.
  
• The scent of Vanilla Fresh after I've cleaned the house.
• Whittling down the number of entries on my old blog from 255 to 235 in the last three days.